dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
And then he peed in my hair
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