what if every blade of grass was a penis?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
