he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
