I just saw a hot homeless man
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
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