Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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