it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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