I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
