The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize