I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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