She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
