I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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