Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize