This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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