textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
