I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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