It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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