Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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