Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
