I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
