I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
