I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
