my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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