So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
