just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You ruined the universe
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
