meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
