walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I don't deserve a penis
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
