I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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