You're completely useless in the revolution.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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