Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize