This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
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