my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
