I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
