Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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