God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Duck Duck Cougar?
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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