dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
