Small penises have feelings too.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
