my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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