Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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