I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
