she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Quick, to the slutcave!
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
