i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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