One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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