everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I still have a little drunk in my system
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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