He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
