my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
