Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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