My friends, they love my intelligence
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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