He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
