My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
