the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
