lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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