Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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