my phone needs a breathalizer
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
