Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
